What is it that you do again?

"I'm a Doctor".

A simple answer that requires very little explanation. It's a lie of course, since I have nowhere near served the time in academia to associate myself with such an occupation.

The problem is, I often get asked by friends and family the dreaded question, "So what is it that you do exactly?". I find this difficult to explain sometimes, particularly to people who have never used the Internet... believe it or not, there are still Internet laggards out there (mum and dad).

What I have noticed is that too often, we take all of this fancy marketing jargon and Internet speak for granted, as if we are speaking some sort of alien language. We get enough of that on the web already... AAMOF LMAO ATM etc etc. And what's worse, it's one that some people seem to get a kick out of. If I met one of my fellow Trekies, for example, I might (but wouldn't) say something like:

"I manage global search engine marketing (PPC and SEO), develop web engagement and social media strategies, and lead acquisition and conversion initiatives to maximize web marketing contribution".

WTF? This may be fair enough to the group of special handshakers amongst us, but it is defintely asking for a Glasgae kiss from anyone else; almost like the "refuse collection specialist" who was a dustbin man. On the other hand, there is the danger of oversimplifying. For example, I could say:

"I fanny about on Google and Facebook all day".

Amusing as it is, it just doesn't quite do it justice. So I gave it a little more thought, and this is what I came up with:

"I help people find what they are looking for. I’m like a tour guide. I take people to our web site, help get them to the information they need, and if they like what they see, I introduce them to the locals; our sales people".

Hopefully at that point, our sales folks would help them choose a product (or bunch of products) to fit their needs, in a way that cannot be achieved over the web - especially when products are expensive and solutions to problems can be far ranging, even unique. Just to put it into context, I haven't been able to add a Black Hawk to my online shopping cart on Amazon lately (or at least, not one that doesn't appear under the toys and games section).

Definitely work in progress, definitely room for improvement. I would love to hear about any other funny responses or from anyone who has found themselves in similar predicaments. That is, regarding the "what is it you do?" question, as opposed to the lack of military helicopters for sale on Amazon.

The things you learn on the web

...In particular, the morbid things you learn on Wikipedia.

For example, I always thought that the town I grew up in was a simple cattle market town. Turns out that its traditional industry was in fact rope making; or to be exact, supplying ropes for public hangings to Great Britain and the Colonies. Lovely.

This fits in quite nicely with the next town along, which happens to be one of the most popular suicide spots in England. It's no wonder growing up, I developed such a dark sense of humour. Even more of a wonder that I made it out of there in one piece!

But to be fair, it has evolved since then... its most recent claim to fame being the "13-year old dad" story covered by popular British tabloid, The Sun. When asked by reporters how he planned to support his child financially, the young tyke answered "What's fin-an-ciall-y?"

Someone bring back the rope.

Happy birthday, oldie

To dispel any popular myths for those of you who have yet to hit 30, I woke up this morning to find that:

1. I'm not yet sagging in places that I shouldn't be

2. I haven't grown masses of facial hair overnight

3. I have the same grey hair count as yesterday

4. The "middle-aged spread" looks no different to when it started developing 3 years ago

5. Morning grumpiness levels appear normal (I just have more of an excuse now)

6. I'm as forgetful as usual

7. I'm as forgetful as usual

8. I haven't developed a green, scaly body

Thank goodness for that.

Tick tock

This week I hit the big 3-0.

It seems that many of my old school friends on Facebook already started freaking out about their two-digit number change last September. Personally, I'm feeling quite good about the 30 decade.

Thinking about it, I would happily choose 30 over the teen era. Bleugh to going to school and being surrounded by all that misunderstood, whiny, teen awkwardness. I would even happily exchange it for my twenties - at least the early portion of it. Way too much moving around, trying to find your feet, and not quite knowing where you are heading.

Yep, to me, 30 is being a bit more wiser, a bit more stable and a bit more sophisticated. 30 is drinking red wine instead of bottles of alchopops and cheap, watered down pints from the union bar. 30 is fine dining instead of a kebab from the local chippie van (or is that 40?!). Maybe it is even the point at which I start to look a little less like 15. Only time will tell.