A plea and a pledge

Please, please, please let me never turn into a person who speaks lots of corporate drivel, with no words of value coming out of my mouth. Nor let me string together sentences as if they came out of a random phrase generator iphone app.

I pledge never to enjoy going to meetings to speak about meetings, or even consider subjecting someone else to this act. And I will never use the word "kimono", other than in a sentence about Japanese clothing.

I fear that spending a lot of time in a big corporation (or government) can do this to people, but I refuse to become a victim. I will maintain my sanity and continue to hold meaningful conversations without the need of a laser pointer and PowerPoint presentation, in order to get things done.

Bad habits

I've been a bad blogger recently. Although I can be accused of laziness on the writing side, I've been trying to address laziness of a different sort. After several years of sitting comatose in front of the television and realising that "surfing" the net is not classed as a sport, I've decided to try and use my personal time a little more productively... by going to the gym.

I'm not quite sure what's come over me recently, but it's suddenly hit me that I can no longer sit on my behind, eat lots of burgers or a sneaky midnight kebab, followed by a full fry-up the next day, and wonder why my trousers are pinching me in places that they shouldn't be. The days of getting away with it are over.

Another contributing factor was pure shame. The other weekend I went to support a friend who was running a quarter marathon and did fantastic. The shame part came as I watched people of all shapes and ages embarking upon a 6 or 12 mile run, including an old granny running with her walking stick. To make matters worse, the building I live in has its own gym, literally 20 steps from my front door, that I've never quite managed to get to for the past seven months.

I used to be really good at going to the gym, doing sports and I was always on my bike... until I discovered cars and started working. I knew it had been a while, but I only realised how long it had actually been when I pulled out my gym wear and it brought me straight back to the days of school PE class. Think grey 90's marl. Very bad.

So for the past three weeks, I have been going to the gym three times a week and am actually starting to enjoy it (the best part is getting to watch the food channel). On top of that I am eating yoghurt and fruit instead of crisps and cake, and my clothes are starting to pinch a lot less. I also updated my sports attire last week. It's amazing the sweat-free, ultra light materials that you can get in the 21st century! I do still love my marls though.

What is it that you do again?

"I'm a Doctor".

A simple answer that requires very little explanation. It's a lie of course, since I have nowhere near served the time in academia to associate myself with such an occupation.

The problem is, I often get asked by friends and family the dreaded question, "So what is it that you do exactly?". I find this difficult to explain sometimes, particularly to people who have never used the Internet... believe it or not, there are still Internet laggards out there (mum and dad).

What I have noticed is that too often, we take all of this fancy marketing jargon and Internet speak for granted, as if we are speaking some sort of alien language. We get enough of that on the web already... AAMOF LMAO ATM etc etc. And what's worse, it's one that some people seem to get a kick out of. If I met one of my fellow Trekies, for example, I might (but wouldn't) say something like:

"I manage global search engine marketing (PPC and SEO), develop web engagement and social media strategies, and lead acquisition and conversion initiatives to maximize web marketing contribution".

WTF? This may be fair enough to the group of special handshakers amongst us, but it is defintely asking for a Glasgae kiss from anyone else; almost like the "refuse collection specialist" who was a dustbin man. On the other hand, there is the danger of oversimplifying. For example, I could say:

"I fanny about on Google and Facebook all day".

Amusing as it is, it just doesn't quite do it justice. So I gave it a little more thought, and this is what I came up with:

"I help people find what they are looking for. I’m like a tour guide. I take people to our web site, help get them to the information they need, and if they like what they see, I introduce them to the locals; our sales people".

Hopefully at that point, our sales folks would help them choose a product (or bunch of products) to fit their needs, in a way that cannot be achieved over the web - especially when products are expensive and solutions to problems can be far ranging, even unique. Just to put it into context, I haven't been able to add a Black Hawk to my online shopping cart on Amazon lately (or at least, not one that doesn't appear under the toys and games section).

Definitely work in progress, definitely room for improvement. I would love to hear about any other funny responses or from anyone who has found themselves in similar predicaments. That is, regarding the "what is it you do?" question, as opposed to the lack of military helicopters for sale on Amazon.

The things you learn on the web

...In particular, the morbid things you learn on Wikipedia.

For example, I always thought that the town I grew up in was a simple cattle market town. Turns out that its traditional industry was in fact rope making; or to be exact, supplying ropes for public hangings to Great Britain and the Colonies. Lovely.

This fits in quite nicely with the next town along, which happens to be one of the most popular suicide spots in England. It's no wonder growing up, I developed such a dark sense of humour. Even more of a wonder that I made it out of there in one piece!

But to be fair, it has evolved since then... its most recent claim to fame being the "13-year old dad" story covered by popular British tabloid, The Sun. When asked by reporters how he planned to support his child financially, the young tyke answered "What's fin-an-ciall-y?"

Someone bring back the rope.

Happy birthday, oldie

To dispel any popular myths for those of you who have yet to hit 30, I woke up this morning to find that:

1. I'm not yet sagging in places that I shouldn't be

2. I haven't grown masses of facial hair overnight

3. I have the same grey hair count as yesterday

4. The "middle-aged spread" looks no different to when it started developing 3 years ago

5. Morning grumpiness levels appear normal (I just have more of an excuse now)

6. I'm as forgetful as usual

7. I'm as forgetful as usual

8. I haven't developed a green, scaly body

Thank goodness for that.

Tick tock

This week I hit the big 3-0.

It seems that many of my old school friends on Facebook already started freaking out about their two-digit number change last September. Personally, I'm feeling quite good about the 30 decade.

Thinking about it, I would happily choose 30 over the teen era. Bleugh to going to school and being surrounded by all that misunderstood, whiny, teen awkwardness. I would even happily exchange it for my twenties - at least the early portion of it. Way too much moving around, trying to find your feet, and not quite knowing where you are heading.

Yep, to me, 30 is being a bit more wiser, a bit more stable and a bit more sophisticated. 30 is drinking red wine instead of bottles of alchopops and cheap, watered down pints from the union bar. 30 is fine dining instead of a kebab from the local chippie van (or is that 40?!). Maybe it is even the point at which I start to look a little less like 15. Only time will tell.

There's something in the water

Here's a round up of my favourite news stories from this week. Absolutely mental...

Hail Twitter Full of Grace
Fake Dalai Lama attracts 16,000 Twitter followers in one weekend. Twitter are now working to get His Holiness set up with a Twitter account. This follows the lead of Pope Benedict XVI who has his own YouTube Vatican channel. He believes that the Internet is "a new way to talk to God". Ahem.

I wish Twitter would get Prince Philip set up with an account. Can you imagine? I would follow him in an instant! For anyone unfamiliar with our Bush-like monarch, check out the Top 15 Quotes of Prince Philip

Website Coronation
Keeping with the Royal theme, the Queen unveiled a new-look website to better keep in touch with the "yoof" of today. The new site features information on several Royal Residences (including a category for "Unoccupied Royal Residences") and virtual tours of lavish rooms in Windsor Castle, complete with handwoven Indian carpets, marble statues, and gold finishings. All the things people love to see during a recession, really.

Unfortunately, the site crashed on the day of launch. Moments later, "Auff with their heads!" came echoing down the Grand Staircase and Vestibule... at least, it did in my mind.

A Boring Bunch
Google Streetview which showed a couple's driveway led to a lawsuit involving privacy violation, trespassing and "mental suffering". Quite rightly, the judge dismissed the claim made by the couple, who also have the unfortunate name of Mr. and Mrs. Boring. Ironically, filing the action led to more people than ever viewing the picture of their home. DOH!

Virtual Insanity
Online networking is now being accused of causing cancer, strokes, heart disease, altered hormone levels, and homosexuality... Right then. I strongly suspect that the Vatican could be behind these claims, spread via their papal blog network no doubt.

Hackers For Hire
Sore losers on XBox Live can now hire teen hackers to use an "Attack Tool" which throws other players out of the game. Being a highly-competitive bad loser myself, I'm liking this approach. If you can't beat 'em, hack 'em!

The school of American driving

America is the country of bampot drivers. I should have realised this after taking my driving test here, which lasted all of 5 mintues and required me to drive round one block. This was then followed by having to perform a very complex manoeuvre - pulling up to the side of the road.

For anyone who aspires to be an American (or to be fair, Oregonian) driver, here are some simple rules to follow:

1. Always have something in your hands when you are driving (either a phone, a donut, or a burger), preferably when you are trying to reverse out of a space. Reversing is a very complex manoeuvre that requires at least 10 minutes to perform. One can build up an appetite during this time, so feel free to text friends or have a snack in between.

2. When parking on a busy road, don't look to see if anything is coming up beside you. Simply fling out your car door as wide as it will open. The more cars and/or cyclists you manage to hit the better.

3. Never use your indicators (aka blinkers). If you happen to see someone who does then speed up to stop them from getting in/out.

4. Two second rule? There is no two second rule. Drive bumper to bumper and if you spot someone who leaves even an ounce of space between them and the car in front, then take it as your opportunity to cut in.

5. Mirrors are for make up and picking your nose. There is no other purpose for them.

6. Cars rule the road. When there are people crossing keep nudging forward to make them walk faster. Remember that you are the one surrounded by airbags and steel and they are the ones getting rained upon.

7. If there is a car on the road that is waiting to turn, just swerve around them. Even if it requires you to go up on a curb. You really will get to where ever you are going faster this way.

8. When you are pulling out, pull out quickly. The more you require the other person to brake the better. Once you have done so, continue to drive down the road at super snail pace.

9. When you are driving through a tunnel beep your horn continuously. It's a very clever and funny thing to do.

10. If you see that there is a closed lane ahead, then make sure you get in that lane. This way you get to undertake everyone else. Refer to Rule 4 about opportunities to cut back in once you run out of road.

And finally, one bonus tip...

11. Brake all the time. Brake when you are going down hills, up hills, turning, curving. Heck, even brake when you are going along a straight road... you don't need a reason. Taking your foot off the accelerator is not an option, nor is shifting gears (since there are none to shift). Just brake, brake, brake.

Gong Xi Fat Choy!

The Chinese lunar new year begins today, and with it comes the year of the Ox. Those born in the year of the Ox are dependable and hard working (which is good, since Obama the Ox has a lot of work ahead of him), but stubborn and hate to be opposed.

The Ox people I know tend to be more the later, but this is coming from a Goat; and anyone who knows the Chinese zodiac will know that Goats and Oxen just don't get on.

I've always been very sceptical of zodiacs, the stars, and anything slightly cosmic. If you say something generic enough then of course people can relate to it in any way they choose to interpret. Mystic Meg always nailed that one in the coffin for me - "The winner of the lottery will pick 6 numbers between 1 and 49, and will be male... or female..."

I guess the issue I have is not liking the idea that I fit into some pre-defined mould. It's a control thing and I think that most people like to feel a little unique. But despite this, I do admit to seeing strong Goat traits in me, even though I've always struggled to see how everyone born in the same year (and 12 years apart) can be the same. After all, I can't remember everyone in my year at school being the next Tony Hart (who, as it turns out, was also an Ox).

The Goat (also known as a Sheep or Ram)
The Goat is thought to be the most artistic and creative signs of the zodiac. They are artistically talented and have a great sense of fashion. Chances are that this type will prefer to be a designer or painter, or go into the kind of profession where they can make the most of their gift for creating beautiful things.

These people are extremely beautiful creatures - they think before acting, and try not to hurt anyone's feelings. If it ever happens that the Goat person causes unforeseen problems, it is very likely that they will step forward to rectify the situation. This side of their character helps them maintain a healthy social life as well as enabling them to deal with life's ups and downs.

Another year, another balls up

Snow fell on Portland over Christmas. It was predicted weeks in advance and hit a few days later than forecast. Despite this, do you think anyone had arranged for gritters to be out on the roads in preparation? Course not. Cue 2 weeks of total mayhem and cabin fever. People stuck inside meant lots of snow days off work, chaos at the airports and the worst Christmas sales since the beginning of time. Some poor souls also lost electricity. No turkey this year, even if they did manage to get out to buy one!

This was the first year we never had a Christmas tree to put our presents under, because we couldn't get out to the local tree farm, or even to the local Target. I was a bit sad about that. Turns out - and I was told this by friends on New Years Day - that there was a shop across the road selling trees... DOH!

It's amazing how a few inches of snow can bring a city to a complete stand still. And yes, that was "inches", not "feet" - not like the good old days when we wouldn't blink an eye at a sprinkling of a foot or two. We may be getting more advanced as time moves on, but we're definitely getting soft in the process.

Bah Humbug

Maybe it was because I was spoiled when I worked in Britain. Even though we never had company Christmas parties (and we would have to pay for our own Christmas lunch invites to the canteen!), it never really mattered that much. Because around this time of year I would be inundated with cards and packages filled with all sorts of goodness, not to mention hoards of Christmas lunch and dinner invites at nice establishments, courtesy of my loving and caring agencies that I worked with. Believe it or not, there are quite a few nice eateries scattered around the outskirts of Bracknell.

Moving here has been a bit like living with none other than Scrooge himself. One year in particular, I remember getting a cardboard tube in the mail from one agency (with whom I did a particularly nice amount of business with that year). With much excitement, I opened it up... only to find a rolled up piece of paper with their signatures on wishing me a "Happy Holiday". On closer inspection, the piece of paper was a scanned, mass produced copy, with my name nowhere to be seen, other than on the mailmerged postal label.

For years, I found this really strange. Not even one lunch invite or Starbucks run in sight. Though one year I did get a grapefruit, shipped in from a partner in Israel.

After speaking about the matter to one of my respected colleagues of European background, he told me that it was due to a "business ethics" issue. Apparently such seasonal gestures could be interpretted as bribes over here, so even if I did receive something nice, I probably wouldn't be able to accept it.

So Christmas is apparently not the time of year to give or receive. Sometimes I think people need to let their hair down and loosen up a bit. Incidentally, I received my first business-related Christmas card today. It was from one of my agencies in England. Oh how I miss them!

Seasonal changes

There have been many changes happening these past few weeks, what with the presidential elections taking place, fuel prices going down, all the badness going on with the economy and lay-offs hitting close to home.

But lets not talk about that. Let's talk Starbucks.

It's that time of year again when they bring out their seasonal drinks. Ditch that freaky salted caramel flavour they brought out a few months back (bleurgh!) and bring on the gingersnap latte. Masterful! The only thing missing is maybe a wee gingerbread man biscuit on top. May be I'll suggest that on their my starbucks idea site.

Reading through the ideas on here, what occured to me is that people take their coffee drinking experience really seriously. My favourite idea is the one about having coffee flavoured ice-cubes so that the drink doesn't end up like piss water.

I have to admit, for all of the flack that the 'bucks takes, this is a great example of customer embracing in action.

Election day

Even though I can't vote, I'm quite liking election day. What better way to celebrate than to gorge yourself with free lashings of unhealthy food courtesy of Ben & Jerry's, Krispy Kreme and Starbucks (though I have to be a little more sneaky with Starbucks since they are only providing free coffee to people who have voted).

It also marks the end of those eye-brow raising TV commercials about all of the political candidates who have either a) done dirty back-handed deals, b) sexually harassed people, c) employed (and paid ridiculously inflated pay cheques to) under-qualified spouses, or d) have a cocaine addiction. For non-American readers, yes... they really do say these things about their opponents in ads over here.

God bless America.

That citrus feeling

Recently I've been blocking time out of my calendar just so I can actually do some work and not sit in meetings all day long. It's a bit sad really.

But don't you just hate it when you get invited to a meeting and 10 minutes into it you think "What am I doing here?" because you have nothing of value to add to the conversation. So you then spend the remaining hour sitting there feeling like a complete lemon.

Need to remember to be a lot less promiscuous when accepting meeting requests from now on.

For the record, I prefer to be a lemon than take the more popular option of rambling on in areas that I have no clue about, or simply repeating what has been said in a tone that suggests that it hasn't already been said, just for the sake of being heard!

Not quite your local chippie

I just went into Panera Bread for my usual soup, baguette and packet of crisps (also known as chips to my American compadres).

As usual the lady behind the counter put me down as having baked crisps when I had ordered the fat ones (I think I confuse them by asking for "a bag o' chips"). When I mentioned I hadn't ordered baked ones they of course handed me a packet of fat crisps. But then the woman said I had to take the baked ones too.

When I asked why, I was told that because she had already touched the packet of baked crisps (with her gloves on) she couldn't take them back.

Wonder what the local kebab van would make of that.

The worm turns

I've been feeling a little fed up lately, mostly with having to deal with people who forget the golden rule of business - treat your customers well because without them you are nothing. You'd think that companies would be even more mindful of this fact given everything that's going on in the economy right now. But no.

Take property management companies, for example. After three years of being a model tenant I had enough of being ignored, and enough of being treated like crap when I wasn't being ignored!

At the end of the day people make choices. They chose to be total numpties, so I chose to hand in my notice. I am now moving into a lovely new apartment and directing my monthly cheques elsewhere.

The art of avoidance

I always enjoy going to a good conference or seminar to help sharpen my knowledge, meet new people from different companies and discover that I'm actually not doing as bad as I think, pessimist that I am.

If the conference is fancy, there may even be some kind of expo hall where you can meet companies selling their wares... but most importantly see how much free crap you can pick up.

A month after SES, I am still getting phone hounded and spammed by companies that I must have talked to at the expo. The only reminder I have being the branded power ball, remote controlled car, foam dog or other useless freebie currently collecting dust on my desk.

It seemed like a good idea at the time... When will I ever learn?

Amer-tish

I feel lucky to have experienced living in both England and America. But after a while you start to notice little quirks and differences people have (or lack). So I was thinking how great it would be to take the best from both cultures and clash them together to make a new super culture called Amer-tish. A bit like the Big Bang experiment.

From the American side, Amer-tish people would:
- Be service snobs
- Live in a place where the shops don't close at 5pm
- Have nice teeth
- Sit in public places, using as much free wifi and electricity as they wanted, with only a glass of water in hand
- Say hello to a complete stranger without feeling like horns are growing out of their heads

And then from the British side, they would:
- Have the ability to say please and thank you (and sorry)
- Hold doors open for people
- Give up their seat on public transport for someone who needed it
- Use a knife with their fork
- Spell words without missing letters out
- Tell you they didn't know the answer if they didn't know the answer
- Tip a maximum of 10% and not feel bad about it

Against the machine

In the grand scheme of things, search marketing is a relatively young thing. So to see loads of people attending a week's long conference just on search opened my eyes a little as to how popular (and serious) this topic was amongst many different companies throughout the world.

At first I thought people signed up just to gate crash the party being held at Google HQ, but I was pleasantly surprised at the depth of information covered by the sessions that were held.

The mix of folks attending also made for great people watching. What I've discovered over the past few months is that success in search marketing requires a person to be left and right brained. You have to be good with numbers, data and details but then also be creative and have the ability to see the big picture. The result leaves you bordering on the schizophrenic.

The one thing that baffled me was that no matter which session you went to, people always left at least two seat spaces between each other. I couldn't work out if that was some weird "don't invade my personal space" trait or whether the people already seated had personal hygiene problems.

Of all of the sessions I attended, the most amusing by far goes to Lee Siegal, author of "Against the Machine", a book about how the Internet is turning us into solitary and unsociable beings since "People don't talk or write anymore. They blog and email". Quite fitting since 90% of the audience at the time were on their iPhones Emailing/texting/tweeting. It seems people don't listen much anymore either.

He also talked about bloggers being angry individuals who hid behind their anonymity. I'm not sure I entirely agree with that, but my favourite quote from the discussion was that "If you can't say what you write in a blog to a person's face then you are not entitled to that opinion at all". Hear hear!

Common-sense please

Common-sense is an much underrated skill. I've been blessed with it in some respects, but alas not in others... particularly where flat packed furniture is concerned.

But something happened the other day that got me thinking about the importance of common-sense.

I got pulled into a meeting to give my opinion on an advert that a creative agency put together. The first thing I noticed about it was a very random headline. Cue a ten minute explanation from their very creative director who told me all about the meaning behind it. The headline was so clever in fact, that I can't even recall the explanation behind it now. Mind of a sieve, me (note to self: work on memory).

Now I may not be as creative, or have as many letters after my name as the people sitting in the room... But the ten minute explanation, I think, was reason enough for not using the headline. Someone bring out the common-sense coulée please.