The school of American driving

America is the country of bampot drivers. I should have realised this after taking my driving test here, which lasted all of 5 mintues and required me to drive round one block. This was then followed by having to perform a very complex manoeuvre - pulling up to the side of the road.

For anyone who aspires to be an American (or to be fair, Oregonian) driver, here are some simple rules to follow:

1. Always have something in your hands when you are driving (either a phone, a donut, or a burger), preferably when you are trying to reverse out of a space. Reversing is a very complex manoeuvre that requires at least 10 minutes to perform. One can build up an appetite during this time, so feel free to text friends or have a snack in between.

2. When parking on a busy road, don't look to see if anything is coming up beside you. Simply fling out your car door as wide as it will open. The more cars and/or cyclists you manage to hit the better.

3. Never use your indicators (aka blinkers). If you happen to see someone who does then speed up to stop them from getting in/out.

4. Two second rule? There is no two second rule. Drive bumper to bumper and if you spot someone who leaves even an ounce of space between them and the car in front, then take it as your opportunity to cut in.

5. Mirrors are for make up and picking your nose. There is no other purpose for them.

6. Cars rule the road. When there are people crossing keep nudging forward to make them walk faster. Remember that you are the one surrounded by airbags and steel and they are the ones getting rained upon.

7. If there is a car on the road that is waiting to turn, just swerve around them. Even if it requires you to go up on a curb. You really will get to where ever you are going faster this way.

8. When you are pulling out, pull out quickly. The more you require the other person to brake the better. Once you have done so, continue to drive down the road at super snail pace.

9. When you are driving through a tunnel beep your horn continuously. It's a very clever and funny thing to do.

10. If you see that there is a closed lane ahead, then make sure you get in that lane. This way you get to undertake everyone else. Refer to Rule 4 about opportunities to cut back in once you run out of road.

And finally, one bonus tip...

11. Brake all the time. Brake when you are going down hills, up hills, turning, curving. Heck, even brake when you are going along a straight road... you don't need a reason. Taking your foot off the accelerator is not an option, nor is shifting gears (since there are none to shift). Just brake, brake, brake.