What is it that you do again?

"I'm a Doctor".

A simple answer that requires very little explanation. It's a lie of course, since I have nowhere near served the time in academia to associate myself with such an occupation.

The problem is, I often get asked by friends and family the dreaded question, "So what is it that you do exactly?". I find this difficult to explain sometimes, particularly to people who have never used the Internet... believe it or not, there are still Internet laggards out there (mum and dad).

What I have noticed is that too often, we take all of this fancy marketing jargon and Internet speak for granted, as if we are speaking some sort of alien language. We get enough of that on the web already... AAMOF LMAO ATM etc etc. And what's worse, it's one that some people seem to get a kick out of. If I met one of my fellow Trekies, for example, I might (but wouldn't) say something like:

"I manage global search engine marketing (PPC and SEO), develop web engagement and social media strategies, and lead acquisition and conversion initiatives to maximize web marketing contribution".

WTF? This may be fair enough to the group of special handshakers amongst us, but it is defintely asking for a Glasgae kiss from anyone else; almost like the "refuse collection specialist" who was a dustbin man. On the other hand, there is the danger of oversimplifying. For example, I could say:

"I fanny about on Google and Facebook all day".

Amusing as it is, it just doesn't quite do it justice. So I gave it a little more thought, and this is what I came up with:

"I help people find what they are looking for. I’m like a tour guide. I take people to our web site, help get them to the information they need, and if they like what they see, I introduce them to the locals; our sales people".

Hopefully at that point, our sales folks would help them choose a product (or bunch of products) to fit their needs, in a way that cannot be achieved over the web - especially when products are expensive and solutions to problems can be far ranging, even unique. Just to put it into context, I haven't been able to add a Black Hawk to my online shopping cart on Amazon lately (or at least, not one that doesn't appear under the toys and games section).

Definitely work in progress, definitely room for improvement. I would love to hear about any other funny responses or from anyone who has found themselves in similar predicaments. That is, regarding the "what is it you do?" question, as opposed to the lack of military helicopters for sale on Amazon.

The things you learn on the web

...In particular, the morbid things you learn on Wikipedia.

For example, I always thought that the town I grew up in was a simple cattle market town. Turns out that its traditional industry was in fact rope making; or to be exact, supplying ropes for public hangings to Great Britain and the Colonies. Lovely.

This fits in quite nicely with the next town along, which happens to be one of the most popular suicide spots in England. It's no wonder growing up, I developed such a dark sense of humour. Even more of a wonder that I made it out of there in one piece!

But to be fair, it has evolved since then... its most recent claim to fame being the "13-year old dad" story covered by popular British tabloid, The Sun. When asked by reporters how he planned to support his child financially, the young tyke answered "What's fin-an-ciall-y?"

Someone bring back the rope.

Happy birthday, oldie

To dispel any popular myths for those of you who have yet to hit 30, I woke up this morning to find that:

1. I'm not yet sagging in places that I shouldn't be

2. I haven't grown masses of facial hair overnight

3. I have the same grey hair count as yesterday

4. The "middle-aged spread" looks no different to when it started developing 3 years ago

5. Morning grumpiness levels appear normal (I just have more of an excuse now)

6. I'm as forgetful as usual

7. I'm as forgetful as usual

8. I haven't developed a green, scaly body

Thank goodness for that.

Tick tock

This week I hit the big 3-0.

It seems that many of my old school friends on Facebook already started freaking out about their two-digit number change last September. Personally, I'm feeling quite good about the 30 decade.

Thinking about it, I would happily choose 30 over the teen era. Bleugh to going to school and being surrounded by all that misunderstood, whiny, teen awkwardness. I would even happily exchange it for my twenties - at least the early portion of it. Way too much moving around, trying to find your feet, and not quite knowing where you are heading.

Yep, to me, 30 is being a bit more wiser, a bit more stable and a bit more sophisticated. 30 is drinking red wine instead of bottles of alchopops and cheap, watered down pints from the union bar. 30 is fine dining instead of a kebab from the local chippie van (or is that 40?!). Maybe it is even the point at which I start to look a little less like 15. Only time will tell.

There's something in the water

Here's a round up of my favourite news stories from this week. Absolutely mental...

Hail Twitter Full of Grace
Fake Dalai Lama attracts 16,000 Twitter followers in one weekend. Twitter are now working to get His Holiness set up with a Twitter account. This follows the lead of Pope Benedict XVI who has his own YouTube Vatican channel. He believes that the Internet is "a new way to talk to God". Ahem.

I wish Twitter would get Prince Philip set up with an account. Can you imagine? I would follow him in an instant! For anyone unfamiliar with our Bush-like monarch, check out the Top 15 Quotes of Prince Philip

Website Coronation
Keeping with the Royal theme, the Queen unveiled a new-look website to better keep in touch with the "yoof" of today. The new site features information on several Royal Residences (including a category for "Unoccupied Royal Residences") and virtual tours of lavish rooms in Windsor Castle, complete with handwoven Indian carpets, marble statues, and gold finishings. All the things people love to see during a recession, really.

Unfortunately, the site crashed on the day of launch. Moments later, "Auff with their heads!" came echoing down the Grand Staircase and Vestibule... at least, it did in my mind.

A Boring Bunch
Google Streetview which showed a couple's driveway led to a lawsuit involving privacy violation, trespassing and "mental suffering". Quite rightly, the judge dismissed the claim made by the couple, who also have the unfortunate name of Mr. and Mrs. Boring. Ironically, filing the action led to more people than ever viewing the picture of their home. DOH!

Virtual Insanity
Online networking is now being accused of causing cancer, strokes, heart disease, altered hormone levels, and homosexuality... Right then. I strongly suspect that the Vatican could be behind these claims, spread via their papal blog network no doubt.

Hackers For Hire
Sore losers on XBox Live can now hire teen hackers to use an "Attack Tool" which throws other players out of the game. Being a highly-competitive bad loser myself, I'm liking this approach. If you can't beat 'em, hack 'em!

The school of American driving

America is the country of bampot drivers. I should have realised this after taking my driving test here, which lasted all of 5 mintues and required me to drive round one block. This was then followed by having to perform a very complex manoeuvre - pulling up to the side of the road.

For anyone who aspires to be an American (or to be fair, Oregonian) driver, here are some simple rules to follow:

1. Always have something in your hands when you are driving (either a phone, a donut, or a burger), preferably when you are trying to reverse out of a space. Reversing is a very complex manoeuvre that requires at least 10 minutes to perform. One can build up an appetite during this time, so feel free to text friends or have a snack in between.

2. When parking on a busy road, don't look to see if anything is coming up beside you. Simply fling out your car door as wide as it will open. The more cars and/or cyclists you manage to hit the better.

3. Never use your indicators (aka blinkers). If you happen to see someone who does then speed up to stop them from getting in/out.

4. Two second rule? There is no two second rule. Drive bumper to bumper and if you spot someone who leaves even an ounce of space between them and the car in front, then take it as your opportunity to cut in.

5. Mirrors are for make up and picking your nose. There is no other purpose for them.

6. Cars rule the road. When there are people crossing keep nudging forward to make them walk faster. Remember that you are the one surrounded by airbags and steel and they are the ones getting rained upon.

7. If there is a car on the road that is waiting to turn, just swerve around them. Even if it requires you to go up on a curb. You really will get to where ever you are going faster this way.

8. When you are pulling out, pull out quickly. The more you require the other person to brake the better. Once you have done so, continue to drive down the road at super snail pace.

9. When you are driving through a tunnel beep your horn continuously. It's a very clever and funny thing to do.

10. If you see that there is a closed lane ahead, then make sure you get in that lane. This way you get to undertake everyone else. Refer to Rule 4 about opportunities to cut back in once you run out of road.

And finally, one bonus tip...

11. Brake all the time. Brake when you are going down hills, up hills, turning, curving. Heck, even brake when you are going along a straight road... you don't need a reason. Taking your foot off the accelerator is not an option, nor is shifting gears (since there are none to shift). Just brake, brake, brake.

Gong Xi Fat Choy!

The Chinese lunar new year begins today, and with it comes the year of the Ox. Those born in the year of the Ox are dependable and hard working (which is good, since Obama the Ox has a lot of work ahead of him), but stubborn and hate to be opposed.

The Ox people I know tend to be more the later, but this is coming from a Goat; and anyone who knows the Chinese zodiac will know that Goats and Oxen just don't get on.

I've always been very sceptical of zodiacs, the stars, and anything slightly cosmic. If you say something generic enough then of course people can relate to it in any way they choose to interpret. Mystic Meg always nailed that one in the coffin for me - "The winner of the lottery will pick 6 numbers between 1 and 49, and will be male... or female..."

I guess the issue I have is not liking the idea that I fit into some pre-defined mould. It's a control thing and I think that most people like to feel a little unique. But despite this, I do admit to seeing strong Goat traits in me, even though I've always struggled to see how everyone born in the same year (and 12 years apart) can be the same. After all, I can't remember everyone in my year at school being the next Tony Hart (who, as it turns out, was also an Ox).

The Goat (also known as a Sheep or Ram)
The Goat is thought to be the most artistic and creative signs of the zodiac. They are artistically talented and have a great sense of fashion. Chances are that this type will prefer to be a designer or painter, or go into the kind of profession where they can make the most of their gift for creating beautiful things.

These people are extremely beautiful creatures - they think before acting, and try not to hurt anyone's feelings. If it ever happens that the Goat person causes unforeseen problems, it is very likely that they will step forward to rectify the situation. This side of their character helps them maintain a healthy social life as well as enabling them to deal with life's ups and downs.