Please, please, please let me never turn into a person who speaks lots of corporate drivel, with no words of value coming out of my mouth. Nor let me string together sentences as if they came out of a random phrase generator iphone app.
I pledge never to enjoy going to meetings to speak about meetings, or even consider subjecting someone else to this act. And I will never use the word "kimono", other than in a sentence about Japanese clothing.
I fear that spending a lot of time in a big corporation (or government) can do this to people, but I refuse to become a victim. I will maintain my sanity and continue to hold meaningful conversations without the need of a laser pointer and PowerPoint presentation, in order to get things done.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Bad habits
I've been a bad blogger recently. Although I can be accused of laziness on the writing side, I've been trying to address laziness of a different sort. After several years of sitting comatose in front of the television and realising that "surfing" the net is not classed as a sport, I've decided to try and use my personal time a little more productively... by going to the gym.
I'm not quite sure what's come over me recently, but it's suddenly hit me that I can no longer sit on my behind, eat lots of burgers or a sneaky midnight kebab, followed by a full fry-up the next day, and wonder why my trousers are pinching me in places that they shouldn't be. The days of getting away with it are over.
Another contributing factor was pure shame. The other weekend I went to support a friend who was running a quarter marathon and did fantastic. The shame part came as I watched people of all shapes and ages embarking upon a 6 or 12 mile run, including an old granny running with her walking stick. To make matters worse, the building I live in has its own gym, literally 20 steps from my front door, that I've never quite managed to get to for the past seven months.
I used to be really good at going to the gym, doing sports and I was always on my bike... until I discovered cars and started working. I knew it had been a while, but I only realised how long it had actually been when I pulled out my gym wear and it brought me straight back to the days of school PE class. Think grey 90's marl. Very bad.
So for the past three weeks, I have been going to the gym three times a week and am actually starting to enjoy it (the best part is getting to watch the food channel). On top of that I am eating yoghurt and fruit instead of crisps and cake, and my clothes are starting to pinch a lot less. I also updated my sports attire last week. It's amazing the sweat-free, ultra light materials that you can get in the 21st century! I do still love my marls though.
I'm not quite sure what's come over me recently, but it's suddenly hit me that I can no longer sit on my behind, eat lots of burgers or a sneaky midnight kebab, followed by a full fry-up the next day, and wonder why my trousers are pinching me in places that they shouldn't be. The days of getting away with it are over.
Another contributing factor was pure shame. The other weekend I went to support a friend who was running a quarter marathon and did fantastic. The shame part came as I watched people of all shapes and ages embarking upon a 6 or 12 mile run, including an old granny running with her walking stick. To make matters worse, the building I live in has its own gym, literally 20 steps from my front door, that I've never quite managed to get to for the past seven months.
I used to be really good at going to the gym, doing sports and I was always on my bike... until I discovered cars and started working. I knew it had been a while, but I only realised how long it had actually been when I pulled out my gym wear and it brought me straight back to the days of school PE class. Think grey 90's marl. Very bad.
So for the past three weeks, I have been going to the gym three times a week and am actually starting to enjoy it (the best part is getting to watch the food channel). On top of that I am eating yoghurt and fruit instead of crisps and cake, and my clothes are starting to pinch a lot less. I also updated my sports attire last week. It's amazing the sweat-free, ultra light materials that you can get in the 21st century! I do still love my marls though.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
What is it that you do again?
"I'm a Doctor".
A simple answer that requires very little explanation. It's a lie of course, since I have nowhere near served the time in academia to associate myself with such an occupation.
The problem is, I often get asked by friends and family the dreaded question, "So what is it that you do exactly?". I find this difficult to explain sometimes, particularly to people who have never used the Internet... believe it or not, there are still Internet laggards out there (mum and dad).
What I have noticed is that too often, we take all of this fancy marketing jargon and Internet speak for granted, as if we are speaking some sort of alien language. We get enough of that on the web already... AAMOF LMAO ATM etc etc. And what's worse, it's one that some people seem to get a kick out of. If I met one of my fellow Trekies, for example, I might (but wouldn't) say something like:
Amusing as it is, it just doesn't quite do it justice. So I gave it a little more thought, and this is what I came up with:
"I help people find what they are looking for. I’m like a tour guide. I take people to our web site, help get them to the information they need, and if they like what they see, I introduce them to the locals; our sales people".
Hopefully at that point, our sales folks would help them choose a product (or bunch of products) to fit their needs, in a way that cannot be achieved over the web - especially when products are expensive and solutions to problems can be far ranging, even unique. Just to put it into context, I haven't been able to add a Black Hawk to my online shopping cart on Amazon lately (or at least, not one that doesn't appear under the toys and games section).
Definitely work in progress, definitely room for improvement. I would love to hear about any other funny responses or from anyone who has found themselves in similar predicaments. That is, regarding the "what is it you do?" question, as opposed to the lack of military helicopters for sale on Amazon.
A simple answer that requires very little explanation. It's a lie of course, since I have nowhere near served the time in academia to associate myself with such an occupation.
The problem is, I often get asked by friends and family the dreaded question, "So what is it that you do exactly?". I find this difficult to explain sometimes, particularly to people who have never used the Internet... believe it or not, there are still Internet laggards out there (mum and dad).
What I have noticed is that too often, we take all of this fancy marketing jargon and Internet speak for granted, as if we are speaking some sort of alien language. We get enough of that on the web already... AAMOF LMAO ATM etc etc. And what's worse, it's one that some people seem to get a kick out of. If I met one of my fellow Trekies, for example, I might (but wouldn't) say something like:
"I manage global search engine marketing (PPC and SEO), develop web engagement and social media strategies, and lead acquisition and conversion initiatives to maximize web marketing contribution".
WTF? This may be fair enough to the group of special handshakers amongst us, but it is defintely asking for a Glasgae kiss from anyone else; almost like the "refuse collection specialist" who was a dustbin man. On the other hand, there is the danger of oversimplifying. For example, I could say:
"I fanny about on Google and Facebook all day".Amusing as it is, it just doesn't quite do it justice. So I gave it a little more thought, and this is what I came up with:
"I help people find what they are looking for. I’m like a tour guide. I take people to our web site, help get them to the information they need, and if they like what they see, I introduce them to the locals; our sales people".
Hopefully at that point, our sales folks would help them choose a product (or bunch of products) to fit their needs, in a way that cannot be achieved over the web - especially when products are expensive and solutions to problems can be far ranging, even unique. Just to put it into context, I haven't been able to add a Black Hawk to my online shopping cart on Amazon lately (or at least, not one that doesn't appear under the toys and games section).
Definitely work in progress, definitely room for improvement. I would love to hear about any other funny responses or from anyone who has found themselves in similar predicaments. That is, regarding the "what is it you do?" question, as opposed to the lack of military helicopters for sale on Amazon.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
The things you learn on the web
...In particular, the morbid things you learn on Wikipedia.
For example, I always thought that the town I grew up in was a simple cattle market town. Turns out that its traditional industry was in fact rope making; or to be exact, supplying ropes for public hangings to Great Britain and the Colonies. Lovely.
This fits in quite nicely with the next town along, which happens to be one of the most popular suicide spots in England. It's no wonder growing up, I developed such a dark sense of humour. Even more of a wonder that I made it out of there in one piece!
But to be fair, it has evolved since then... its most recent claim to fame being the "13-year old dad" story covered by popular British tabloid, The Sun. When asked by reporters how he planned to support his child financially, the young tyke answered "What's fin-an-ciall-y?"
Someone bring back the rope.
For example, I always thought that the town I grew up in was a simple cattle market town. Turns out that its traditional industry was in fact rope making; or to be exact, supplying ropes for public hangings to Great Britain and the Colonies. Lovely.
This fits in quite nicely with the next town along, which happens to be one of the most popular suicide spots in England. It's no wonder growing up, I developed such a dark sense of humour. Even more of a wonder that I made it out of there in one piece!
But to be fair, it has evolved since then... its most recent claim to fame being the "13-year old dad" story covered by popular British tabloid, The Sun. When asked by reporters how he planned to support his child financially, the young tyke answered "What's fin-an-ciall-y?"
Someone bring back the rope.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Happy birthday, oldie
To dispel any popular myths for those of you who have yet to hit 30, I woke up this morning to find that:
1. I'm not yet sagging in places that I shouldn't be
2. I haven't grown masses of facial hair overnight
3. I have the same grey hair count as yesterday
4. The "middle-aged spread" looks no different to when it started developing 3 years ago
5. Morning grumpiness levels appear normal (I just have more of an excuse now)
6. I'm as forgetful as usual
7. I'm as forgetful as usual
8. I haven't developed a green, scaly body
Thank goodness for that.
1. I'm not yet sagging in places that I shouldn't be
2. I haven't grown masses of facial hair overnight
3. I have the same grey hair count as yesterday
4. The "middle-aged spread" looks no different to when it started developing 3 years ago
5. Morning grumpiness levels appear normal (I just have more of an excuse now)
6. I'm as forgetful as usual
7. I'm as forgetful as usual
8. I haven't developed a green, scaly body
Thank goodness for that.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Tick tock
This week I hit the big 3-0.
It seems that many of my old school friends on Facebook already started freaking out about their two-digit number change last September. Personally, I'm feeling quite good about the 30 decade.
Thinking about it, I would happily choose 30 over the teen era. Bleugh to going to school and being surrounded by all that misunderstood, whiny, teen awkwardness. I would even happily exchange it for my twenties - at least the early portion of it. Way too much moving around, trying to find your feet, and not quite knowing where you are heading.
Yep, to me, 30 is being a bit more wiser, a bit more stable and a bit more sophisticated. 30 is drinking red wine instead of bottles of alchopops and cheap, watered down pints from the union bar. 30 is fine dining instead of a kebab from the local chippie van (or is that 40?!). Maybe it is even the point at which I start to look a little less like 15. Only time will tell.
It seems that many of my old school friends on Facebook already started freaking out about their two-digit number change last September. Personally, I'm feeling quite good about the 30 decade.
Thinking about it, I would happily choose 30 over the teen era. Bleugh to going to school and being surrounded by all that misunderstood, whiny, teen awkwardness. I would even happily exchange it for my twenties - at least the early portion of it. Way too much moving around, trying to find your feet, and not quite knowing where you are heading.
Yep, to me, 30 is being a bit more wiser, a bit more stable and a bit more sophisticated. 30 is drinking red wine instead of bottles of alchopops and cheap, watered down pints from the union bar. 30 is fine dining instead of a kebab from the local chippie van (or is that 40?!). Maybe it is even the point at which I start to look a little less like 15. Only time will tell.
Friday, February 20, 2009
There's something in the water
Here's a round up of my favourite news stories from this week. Absolutely mental...
Hail Twitter Full of Grace
Fake Dalai Lama attracts 16,000 Twitter followers in one weekend. Twitter are now working to get His Holiness set up with a Twitter account. This follows the lead of Pope Benedict XVI who has his own YouTube Vatican channel. He believes that the Internet is "a new way to talk to God". Ahem.
I wish Twitter would get Prince Philip set up with an account. Can you imagine? I would follow him in an instant! For anyone unfamiliar with our Bush-like monarch, check out the Top 15 Quotes of Prince Philip
Website Coronation
Keeping with the Royal theme, the Queen unveiled a new-look website to better keep in touch with the "yoof" of today. The new site features information on several Royal Residences (including a category for "Unoccupied Royal Residences") and virtual tours of lavish rooms in Windsor Castle, complete with handwoven Indian carpets, marble statues, and gold finishings. All the things people love to see during a recession, really.
Unfortunately, the site crashed on the day of launch. Moments later, "Auff with their heads!" came echoing down the Grand Staircase and Vestibule... at least, it did in my mind.
A Boring Bunch
Google Streetview which showed a couple's driveway led to a lawsuit involving privacy violation, trespassing and "mental suffering". Quite rightly, the judge dismissed the claim made by the couple, who also have the unfortunate name of Mr. and Mrs. Boring. Ironically, filing the action led to more people than ever viewing the picture of their home. DOH!
Virtual Insanity
Online networking is now being accused of causing cancer, strokes, heart disease, altered hormone levels, and homosexuality... Right then. I strongly suspect that the Vatican could be behind these claims, spread via their papal blog network no doubt.
Hackers For Hire
Sore losers on XBox Live can now hire teen hackers to use an "Attack Tool" which throws other players out of the game. Being a highly-competitive bad loser myself, I'm liking this approach. If you can't beat 'em, hack 'em!
Hail Twitter Full of Grace
Fake Dalai Lama attracts 16,000 Twitter followers in one weekend. Twitter are now working to get His Holiness set up with a Twitter account. This follows the lead of Pope Benedict XVI who has his own YouTube Vatican channel. He believes that the Internet is "a new way to talk to God". Ahem.
I wish Twitter would get Prince Philip set up with an account. Can you imagine? I would follow him in an instant! For anyone unfamiliar with our Bush-like monarch, check out the Top 15 Quotes of Prince Philip
Website Coronation
Keeping with the Royal theme, the Queen unveiled a new-look website to better keep in touch with the "yoof" of today. The new site features information on several Royal Residences (including a category for "Unoccupied Royal Residences") and virtual tours of lavish rooms in Windsor Castle, complete with handwoven Indian carpets, marble statues, and gold finishings. All the things people love to see during a recession, really.
Unfortunately, the site crashed on the day of launch. Moments later, "Auff with their heads!" came echoing down the Grand Staircase and Vestibule... at least, it did in my mind.
A Boring Bunch
Google Streetview which showed a couple's driveway led to a lawsuit involving privacy violation, trespassing and "mental suffering". Quite rightly, the judge dismissed the claim made by the couple, who also have the unfortunate name of Mr. and Mrs. Boring. Ironically, filing the action led to more people than ever viewing the picture of their home. DOH!
Virtual Insanity
Online networking is now being accused of causing cancer, strokes, heart disease, altered hormone levels, and homosexuality... Right then. I strongly suspect that the Vatican could be behind these claims, spread via their papal blog network no doubt.
Hackers For Hire
Sore losers on XBox Live can now hire teen hackers to use an "Attack Tool" which throws other players out of the game. Being a highly-competitive bad loser myself, I'm liking this approach. If you can't beat 'em, hack 'em!
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